Overcoming Guilt: Navigating the Challenges of Recovering from People-Pleasing.

Introduction: The Why Behind The Post.

In the past few years, I’ve been talking with a number of friends about People-Pleasing and it’s been on my heart and mind ever since. Recently, I mentioned I was writing a blog post about this topic to my close friend Shannon, and she encouraged me to finish it – as I was having a hard time. It’s quite challenging to write a post about something you struggle with yourself. In doing so, I believe I’ll learn a lot about myself and it’ll be a worthwhile adventure! And, it most definitely was.

What is a People-Pleaser?

A people pleaser is a person who constantly goes above and beyond to please others, often putting themselves in harms way without reciprocation. They may alter their personality around others (like a chameleon!) because they feel that others will value or accept them more because of their efforts. Instead these individuals commonly feel burnt out and resentful. As a result, their own physical and emotional needs aren’t met – and if it continues this can lead to burnout, and much more.

A people-pleaser in my definition is one who loves people oh so much, they try to make them feel loved, accepted and comfortable. Usually, for the reason being that they were never seen, heard, or accepted from an early age. Not to say, they weren’t loved – but they had to grow up faster than others by having to take on more responsibilities, etc. This can be hard on the individual – because bitterness, resentment, and anger can bubble up as they think of their past. Healing is possible though!

Signs You’re a People-Pleaser:

Sometimes, we become so comfortable in our ways, that we ignore signs of these potentially harmful people-pleasing tendencies. Being aware of these signs is the key to correcting and setting healthy boundaries in your relationships with others. Below are some common signs of being a people-pleaser.

• Not being able to say “No” – you might think doing so will look like you don’t care, but that’s obviously not the case. You need to balance it out – don’t be afraid to throw a few “no’s” in!
• Constantly apologizing – you don’t have to be sorry for merely existing. Or at least for things that don’t require apology’s. Catch yourself next time, or ask a friend to help you stop the habit!
• Your personality changes based on who you’re with – be sure to nip this one in the bud.
• Feeling anxious about what others think of you – this one is hard, but rather think of what God thinks of you. That should be the only thing that counts! Here’s a blog post that will help!
• Feeling guilty about setting boundaries– boundaries are oh so healthy, and they take practice. Don’t feel guilty about setting them – they’re worth it! Here’s some tips and tricks.
• Needing constant approval and validation – this is definitely a learned trait, but you can unlearn it! You’re so worth the effort put into unlearning this.
• You always agree in order to be liked – Oof. Agreeability often seems like a surefire way to win approval, but it does more harm than good in the long run. Seriously!
• You generally don’t share your feelings with others – you might do this in order to accommodate others. Please don’t do this! Live authentically instead!
• You never have “you” time – when was the last time you took some time for yourself?
• Having low self esteem or self worth – We all have our insecurities but we can’t stay comfortable in them. That’s when it becomes toxic to our own being.
• You fear being labeled “selfish” – because that’s the exact opposite of you and what Christ would want you to be. Fear being labelled an insecure “doormat” instead.
• You feel pressured to be nice all the time – being “nice” constantly is literally impossible.
• Overcommitting to activities or responsibilities – again, learn to say “no” often than not.
• People constantly take advantage of you – this is worrisome especially if it becomes monetary assistance. People will pick up on your weakness and will always take advantage.

What causes People-Pleasing?

There’s not really any research into what causes people pleasing. Some say it’s due to childhood trauma, or social conditioning, however for others this may not be true. Then others may exhibit people-pleasing tendencies because of their fear, loneliness, and/or anxiety.

For myself, I genuinely want to help people, and end up getting hurt and/or lose myself in the process. I loathe conflict and in doing so, I people-please to reduce tension and potential arguements. I fear being abandoned by family and friends due to my strained relationship with my mother. I also have “fawning” tendencies where I do a number of things including: assuming responsibility for another person’s emotional reactions and mood, or trying to predict and actively avoid behaviours that might upset others, and never asking for help or being anxious about doing so, etc.

How Do You Recognize It In Yourself?

You can either assess yourself or ask someone you trust for some constructive feedback. A good support system helps immensely… have them pray for you. Open up! Also, prayer is powerful – consider talking with God and asking Him to help you in this matter. Taking the step towards being aware of the issue is the key in recovering! If anything in this post resonates with you – leave a comment in the comments below! It doesn’t have to be a long one – just anything and everything on your mind!

Are Women Prone To It More Than Men?

Definitely! Research shows that women are more likely to become people-pleasers than men. As children, society encourages and praises girls to always be nice, nurturing, and self-sacrificial, which in turn sets the stage for people-pleasing behaviours later on in life. With that being said, although it’s possible to rewire the habit of giving time, energy, and resources to meeting other people’s needs… it may be more difficult for women than men. As anything else we learn, people-pleasing is a learned behaviour that can be unlearned, but only with a conscious effort and determination. Men still can have people-pleasing tendencies but in different respects.

Are There Any Positives?

Helping others feels undeniably good. It renews our sense of purpose. It is said, that helping others’ can often lift our own moods. It can seem like selfless behaviour but that’s a different post. The main thing is that there’s a balance. Being a nice person is important but not when it takes away from our own needs.

People-pleasers are highly in tune to how others are feeling – which I feel is a sixth sense but also a burden. They can also be overly empathetic, thoughtful and caring which makes it easy for them to make friends. Networking and other social connections are easy and effortless. They’re friendly and polite, so of course being around them is a positive and enjoyable experience… It only becomes a problem when being liked becomes more important than being yourself. So whilst there’s nothing wrong with being nice and well-liked – make sure you also stay true to who you are.

In short, while it may seem there’s many positives to being a people-pleaser – in reality there’s an intense dark side too. It can come from a good place, but you’re harming yourself by continuing in this pattern of behaviour. It can quite easily become a toxic habit enabling you to be taken advantage of.

How Does It Affect Your Life?

Although people-pleasing may seem harmless it can sometimes lead people down the path of self-destruction. It often brings up resentment and anger. This type of behaviour can have large negative impacts on an individual’s mental and physical health. They may eat more for comfort, exercise more, or engage in other unhealthy lifestyle habits in hopes of achieving the approval and love they crave.

Personally, I’ve noticed a lack of respect from people because of my people-pleasing tendencies. I’ve also noticed that the love I give out isn’t often recipericated. Not that people don’t show me love, but that the people I want to show me love, don’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know many people love me… some don’t, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea – I’ll freely admit. But with my need to have everyone like me, it’s hard to fit in or feel accepted in large groups of people. Thankfully, I’ve recently found my “tribe” aka community of people who are helping me in leaps and bounds. My friend Shannon (shout-out to her!!) often tells me how much I’ve healed and grown since she’s known me and that alone, means everything. I love her so much. I can’t even begin to say how much she’s truly helped me – she’s a great friend.

How Do We Recover And Refrain From Relapse?

• Start Small – you’re not going to overcome this overnight. Take baby steps!
• Stalling – say something like “I need more time to think/pray about this.”
• Setting Time Limits – set a deadline for a decision of what to do. (yes or no!)
• Time Blocking – set some blocks of non negotiable time for yourself.
• Rehearse Saying “No” – in the mirror! Seriously, try it out!
• Shift Your Mindset – think about how you can take care of yourself better.
• Set Boundaries – it may be scary at first but it’ll be worth it. Plus you’ll be more authentic.
• Accept That You Can’t Make Everyone Happy – you can’t be there for everyone! It’s not possible.
  

When Should One Seek Help?

There’s no shame in seeking help!! A person can seek help at any time, whether it’s a trusted family member, friend or therapist. Continue speaking with a professional if the following occurs:

• people-pleasing is interfering with their job or relationships.
• they feel as though they cannot take care of themselves.
• they have a history of trauma in their lives.
  

My Musings as a Recovering People Pleaser

I feel as a recovering people pleaser, I’ve had to learn how to balance helping others and helping myself. Too often, I’ve taken on other people’s struggles due to my empathetic nature and end up suffering or burnt out. I loathe conflict and will do absolutely anything to avoid it and keep the peace. I’ll over-apologize for things, due to low self esteem. (and not just because I’m a polite Canadian! Hah.)

I’m constantly self-aware of things I need to improve on and get overwhelmed with all the effort it’ll take to rewire myself. I think this plays into people-pleasing as well. Being over-aware of everything concerning others and ourselves. It’s exhausting!

According to this article, it says that “A truly ironic aspect of people pleasing is the fact that often, pleasers just want to connect with others, yet that overzealous urge to please gets in the way of genuine connection.” I felt this hardcore. Wow!!! This is the absolute truth, guys!! I couldn’t make it up!

But, all in all – I’m thankful for some aspects of my people-pleasing tendencies… which ones? I’ll explain. The fact that I can naturally sense and care about the feelings of others shows that I’m an overall more compassionate and open-minded person. I’m a pretty darn good peace-maker, polite communicator, and team-builder because I like to make people feel seen, heard and accepted.

In this article, Victoria mentions having a sixth sense for knowing what behavior will lead to more or less suffering for individuals. I resonate with this because I often pick up on others emotions which really affects me at times. If I feel they’re hurting – I get anxious, and try everything I can to help them feel better. This sixth sense has helped me in some ways, as it helps to build friendships and shows people you care. However, to the wrong people this can seem like a weakness.

These past couple years, I’ve been learning why I’m like this. What makes me… me! It’s been quite the process, but I believe I’ll make it out on top! And, so can y-o-u! I wouldn’t be here or me for that matter, without God, so let’s venture into that…

Lastly, What Does the Bible Say About People-Pleasing?

In the bible, it’s clear that you are not serving God fully if you make pleasing people your utmost goal. (Below are some verses that explain this further) Wow!! As a Christian that’s really convicting… We must be careful to say things to others in His will. Remember, we can pray and ask Him what to say to that person who’s hurting, instead of immediately jumping in and trying to please them.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. – Galatians 1:10 NIV

On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. – 1 Thessalonians 2:4 NIV

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. – Proverbs 29:25 NIV

I hope this was helpful – if it was in any way, please let me know! I’d love to hear from you. If this was interesting let me know and I’ll expand on it. Thanks for reading!